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Bodyguards For Rent

The Stupid College Kid can provide goons to protect yo' ass in case you happen to get in a bar brawl.


The Hair Queen

This follicle-clad beast will deter any aggressor, maybe even you if you can't stomach her company! Her patented head and leg locks have left many in the morgue, but she does have one weakness...A pair of clippers.



This little guy may not be 21, but I'm pretty sure anyone working the door will be pissing their pants at the sight of old Timbo. This vicious dude prefers shots of Beam over breast milk any day, and he'll bust skulls if the price is right.

Oh my good God. I was laughing too hard to even think of anything. You think of a caption for this


Oh, where do I begin with this one.  Well, after fixing children's lunches all day, this mad-man likes to get his aggression out on stupid drunks like you.  This picture was taken after an all-day backyard romp with your mom.



This warrior princess look-alike will get you out of most hairy situations, that is if she makes it passed the doorman. Not only can she down beer with the best of 'em, she's got a big fricken' sword too! Although this beauty doesn't come cheap she includes a special package when the night is over, ehem...Make sure you're really drunk...


Gashouse Gorillas

Formally a wrestling team banned by the WWF for their unethical conduct, the Gashouse Gorilllas now spend most of their days earning money as bodyguards. However, these clydesdales don't come cheap. They unfortunately include beer expenses on the bill, and remember there are five of 'em!


The Dirty Sailor
Life has dealt this roughneck a shitty hand, and he'll do the same to you if you look at him funny.  Perks- he's got more dirty stories than anyone in the bar.  Cons- he might pass out from a drunken stupor before you get in a brawl. 
Reminder- If spinach doesn't get him going, put a little weed in his pipe (he'll never know the difference).